


I Should go - Jane Shepard's Journal - Entry One.

by MissChocobo



Series: I Should Go - Journal of Jane Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 18:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19025143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissChocobo/pseuds/MissChocobo
Summary: No longer going by the title Commander, Jane Shepard has been relieved of active duty where her choices and losses from her past gnaw away at her until she is brought up in front of a committee on Earth with some devastating but not shocking news. The Reapers are coming. Now is not the time to think about the fact that she's just seen Kaidan Alenko for the first time since Horizon, she has a galaxy to save. Again.





	I Should go - Jane Shepard's Journal - Entry One.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always liked to think about the internal thoughts and feelings of characters within heavily story driven narratives, primarily Mass Effect. After writing out a journal for the (so far) seventy hours plus playthrough of Andromeda I thought I would revisit Mass Effect 3 (there will probably be some other bits but starting here for now) because I love that sweet sweet Kaidan/Garrus/Shepard angsty love triangle. I hope to build on this regularly as I continue my playthrough and will probably go into more depth with some scenes so that I'm not just writing just what we see on screen, I want to delve deeper and I hope you enjoy!

Anderson brought me this journal last time he came to visit me since I’d been relieved from active duty. I guess saving the galaxy a few times isn’t worth much when you die for two years, killed on a mission for the alliance, then get brought back by a human terrorist organisation who want to save the world, mostly; or maybe it was the incident with the Bartarians. I wish that every moment I spent away from the career I’ve given all those years to didn’t constantly remind me of every bad thing, every questionable action I’ve made. Maybe I got what I deserved after all. I don’t know why Anderson thought some crazy expensive notebook (I don’t even want to know where he found actual paper) would come anywhere near close to making me feel better or make up for what I’d lost. My title, it never mattered much to me but I felt like I’d at least earned it, my ship, even though it wasn’t mine, to begin with, I’d be lying though if I said that it hadn’t felt like the closest thing I’ve had to home in a long while and my crew...My family. 

I just got swept under the carpet because I tried to take action where the council could not and would not, see reason. I dared to tell the truth about the threat looming ever closer as I have tried to for years; a threat that would wipe out all life in the galaxy has it has done every 50,000 years before and will continue to do so every 50,000 years after unless we stop them. Time is up and now they’re here just like I warned they would be, I slowed them down, I quashed their plans wherever I was able but they’re not just on their way now. They’re here. 

The Reapers. 

I got called back in, no one told me much. Some new kid Vega helped bring me in, he kept calling me Commander and it was so hard to hear it again but my focus was on why I was being brought in, I knew it couldn’t have been anything good. I found myself looking to the sky over and over on our way to the meeting rooms. Little did I know then that my worst fears would be realised in just a few minutes from then. 

Kaidan was there. It sounds ridiculous to mention him now after everything that happened. He had tried to contact me after I was court marshalled but I was in a dark place then and I never got back to him. We hadn’t spoken since Horizon. Damn just thinking about it hurts. Kaidan was my first love. We went through a lot together, heck I wouldn’t even be here or in this mess if it wasn’t for him. If I hadn’t saved him from that Prothean device all those years ago and he had been the one to have seen the visions would he have done the same? Would he instead be in my position now? I will never forget the way he looked at me on Horizon, shock first, then disbelief. He had watched me die two years before after all but as soon as he saw the Cerberus logo’s on my gear he became defensive and cold. I get it now, I used to read the email he sent trying to explain how he felt, over and over again when I missed him when I felt like I wanted to scream at him until he understood what I had gone through as well. We agreed once that the mission was the most important thing and had to take precedence but apparently that only mattered on his terms. We’ve never been the same since and I couldn’t help but reply bitterly when he spoke to me on Earth, no doubt fully aware of whatever was going on that was being kept from me. He’s Major Alenko now and had I been in a better place or perhaps if we had at least parted as friends instead of feeling like enemies then maybe I would have congratulated him on it, no doubt he earned it, he’s a good soldier. Maybe too good. He nodded to me as I continued forward with Anderson at my side and I wanted to punch that stupid little sad smile off his face at the same moment my chest ached with forgotten feelings. 

Things didn’t get much better from there either. 

The committee said there was a signal, that something was coming, it had to be the Reapers, I didn’t know why they bothered dragging me all the way there to confirm what they already knew. Then they had the audacity to ask what they should do, how could they prepare and fight them off? I was furious, now they were interested, now they believed me? I told them we hadn’t prepared anywhere near enough and the only thing we could do was to stick together, work together because that would be the only way we stood even the smallest chance. They mocked me before an impact of some kind shook the room. A report came in from London, confirming my worst fears to have manifested even quicker than I had been able to imagine. The Reapers weren’t just close. They were here. Right now. 

Most of the events next are a blur. There was an explosion, I’m fairly sure we lost the committee. Anderson found me amongst the wreckage of the building, I tried not to think of Kaidan or the new kid, Vega as he the Admiral led me out of what was left of the structure. Those crazy biotics? That husky voice and pretty boy face to go with his attitude? No way any power in the galaxy was letting anything bad happen to Major Kaidan Alenko I told myself and Vega had been with him, they would be okay. 

I want to say I couldn’t believe what I saw when we made it outside but I had seen Sovereign, I had seen collector ships and much much worse. This was still even worse than all that, it was every nightmare I’d had since that beacon put that vision in my head and more. Reapers plunged down from the sky, destroying everything in their paths. We ran. Anderson radioed Kaidan and they were headed for the Normandy and we would rendezvous a little further into the city. There were husks everywhere too, taking those the reapers missed. I’m sure there was a little boy too. He was lost and scared but he wouldn’t let me help him and then I’d thought I’d imagined him. I wish I had. 

We ended up corned by a group of husks, we took some down but they kept coming and we were almost out of ammo when that beautiful damn ship came down from the sky. I jumped on but Anderson stayed behind, he had to stay on Earth and help the effort there he told me. I said if he was staying then I was too but he insisted I leave, that I go to the council and tell them what happened here, that I find help across the galaxy, we would need anything and everything. I hated to leave him but damn that man is stubborn, I think that’s why I’ve always liked him. He threw me my tags, I can’t believe he still had them on him, effectively reinstating me apparently and then we were gone. Just me, Kaidan, Vega and whatever crew were aboard the Normandy - Joker it appeared was still the pilot, somehow he was pardoned it seemed, or maybe they just couldn’t pry him away from The Normandy, brittle bone syndrome or not. Vega wasn’t happy about leaving Anderson, hell nor was I but if he was going to be with us he needed to understand that we don’t get to make all the good choices and this one was Andersons. Not long after we’d left Earth Admiral Hackett got in touch with us and told us we needed to head to Mars right away, apparently there is some important Prothean data in the archives we might need so we’re changing course and heading there now. I’m still just trying to wrap my head around all of this.


End file.
